Ugh

Anxiety is a bitch. I can't really recall when I started noticing that I sometimes feel anxious, wait, that may not be entirely true. I do remember my second semester of freshman year in college having a short lived panic attack about money and planning for housing the following year. But now the anxiety isn't a worry, its a feeling. Its physical. Its emotional. And it sucks. I can take deep breaths and chug a bottle of water because sometimes that helps. I can walk around or go to the gym because for me anxiety feels like a lot of built up energy that needs to be burned off. But that doesn't alleviate it. The most frustrating part of it, at least what is going on today, is that I can think of one pretty quick way for it to go away. But I don't have control over that. Which is probably part of the reason for the pain of it. Without making it worse, I don't know how I can try to make it better. I feel like I'm constantly praying to God to give me strength, clarity, patience, help, support, comfort, that one specific request. But none of those come. Which increases my frustration. I spiral from frustration to almost hysteria. Its remnicent of the bad days from the Ex. Crying and sobbing and maybe an occasion scream out loud. Its stuck in the back of my throat and tears are just waiting to spill. I don't know what to do...