American Road Trip

“My lands are where my dead lie buried.” –Crazy Horse

Epic as a word seems to be overused these days, but my brother and I are on what I think is an epic trip. A once in a lifetime trip across the country. Iowa. South Dakota. Montana. Idaho. Utah. Texas. Tennessee. Most of the states in between. We’re seeing as much of this country as we can. I’m taking pictures of the roads, the mountains, state capitals, monuments, signs, rivers, lakes, animals, and us with all of the above. He’s letting me. We’re spending time with my very best friend and her love. With our sister and her buddies. With strangers along the way. At houses and campgrounds, and maybe a hotel or two.  There are things that have surprised me and pleased me, and maybe one or two that have triggered anger or frustration. My brother and I used to beat each other, but now we’re taking care of each other on the road. Trading out driving and sleeping and giving directions. Watching our monies but not wanting to miss out on an adventure.  When I turn 27, I’ll be able to check a few things off of my 26 year old list. I finally made it to Nashville, even if just for a few minutes. And I’ve made it across country. I’ve made another step towards doing what I say I’m going to do. Even if it’s against my Daddy’s wishes and more money than I need to spend.  Even though I could wait until I’m older and have more time to spend. I wanted to see things, and I’m doing that. And I might even be learning a few things while I’m at it.

Looking back, over the years...

Every time the clock shows 2:30, I instinctively think, or say, “no my tooth doesn’t hurty.” When someone is in the car with me and there are round hay bales in a pasture, I tell a joke about cows not liking those because they can’t get a square meal. As annoying as these kind of things can be, I love being able to share them with others, because they are my “Daddy jokes.” They constantly remind me of my father’s ridiculous sense of humor, and just how much he has ingrained himself in my day-to-day thoughts. Last week, while lecturing some of my kids about finances, I literally stopped and said “I sound just like my mom right now.” I could honestly hear her saying the same things to me as I was saying to these teenagers. It was a humbling experience, and one that makes me appreciate how true the things that she has taught me are.

These little moments make me want to keep a record of how some of my family and friends are. Some of the little reasons that I love them. Or hate them. But all are reasons that they have meant something to me, enough that I remember these little traits or moments.

Like that Grandma Martha cuts the tags out of ALL of her clothes. She says its because she can’t stand to see people’s tags sticking out of their collar.

Grandmama’s “Oh Gawd” at all kinds of things.

Having my baby brother be sweet to me when my heart broke.

My Katie’s messages that I have saved because they are so funny/random/bizarre and all around awesome. Like her.

Seeing my sister’s handwriting on something random and missing her.

How my Imp gets is so passionate about things she loves…and hates.

D and his “hahahaha” All. The. Time.

The last time I saw my Auntie Ann and being able to share with her how much I appreciate her being there for us.

When I was in college, the last thing my parents (especially Daddy) would say to me when I’d leave to come back to Western was “make all A’s.” It was even after the obligatory “I love you’s.”

Mama Sherry saving can tabs for me.

L*May sharing quotes from “Friends”  with me. And vice versa.

“Do they have ________ in Kenya?”

Just like so many other things I have posted, I would love to add to this list as things come to me. I find it comforting that when someone is no longer in my life, I can still have special memories of them, even if it is something small, to look back on and smile about.  I still love picturing Josh’s face when he’d cut in the lunch line and get me to buy his food. I hear Liz’s laugh when I think about her. One day, these will be happy memories that I want to make sure I don't lose. I don’t want to forget…just in case.

Happy birthday to me!

I just turned a year older. While I happily take another year over the alternative, I get a little anxious about all the things I still haven’t done and seen or accomplished. I decided this morning that since the idea of a bucket list is something I enjoy, I’d make a list of things I’d like to check off before my next birthday celebration.

*road trip across country

*Visit Nashville

*chop off all my hair

* a new stamp on my passport

*save a few thousand bucks

*get a pet

*be able to make at least 5 meals…well

I know I’ll add things to this and find plenty that I’d like to add but know I won’t be able to cover in the next 360 or so days.  So this is just what I can come up with 3 days into being 26.

soapbox

Because of the current events of the day I’m tempted to go on a rant about the justice system or how we glorify and make famous people for common, awful, everyday things. I find it particularly interesting how just yesterday everyone was posting about and praising this country for what it is and what we as a people have fought for.  I could talk about how many people want to get self righteous and angry about this, but are able to act as though EVERYDAY babies and children aren’t starving, homeless, abused, molested, neglected, and suffering right down the street from us.  What about the kids on my caseload who literally don’t have toilet paper or trash bags? Or have had family members molest them over and over without punishment? What about the small town police officers who let abusers off “this time” because they’re old high school buddies? Or the teenagers who kick the air out of their dog because they get the air kicked out of them by their parents? Where is the anger and indignation about these kids? Who, by the way, are still alive! When do we get to be angry that there is no justice for them either? Why do we get to make her a celebrity just because this case was more interesting than the ones in Swain County or BFE Georgia? Is her baby any more dead than the one who froze to death in a trailer? Are we that comfortable in our air conditioned living rooms that we think we have any idea what the pain is for the family members in that court room? What kind of society do we have when this is front page news, yet I see  children and teenagers who don’t make it to school because they’ve been up all night listening to mom and dad fight and all we say is, “ they’re just truant, it’s nothing big?”

I guess I’m more than just tempted to rant. This is a big deal, and that baby is gone because people were not caring for her like she deserved. Who’s to blame? I have no idea and I doubt anyone besides the guilty party(ies) will ever fully understand what happened.  But I cannot see the anger carrying people through to positive action. I see hate and aggression and ignorance. But not change. That takes more work and more effort than just words. That would take people leaving their couches and going to a food bank. Becoming foster parents. Donating to back to school programs and domestic violence shelters. Becoming a mentor.  Tutoring kids to read and go on job interviews. Not turning our heads when we see bruises and breaks and behaviors that suggest abuse and rape. Following up with survivors. Blaming the perpetrator, NOT the victim. And doing the right thing instead of the easy thing.

Order now and get the second for free!

Infomercials that show people struggling to do simple things make me CRAZY! Is it really that difficult to change the kitty litter?? Have people not done it for decades without it being so bad that they stop having cats? Is it truly that difficult to boil pasta? Or mop the floors? I’m all for innovation and creating new ways to solve issues around every day minor issues, but I can’t see how this would be worth the $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

And don’t even get me started on the pajama jean…

What goes around comes around...

I want to stay positive. I really do. I want to keep my language focused on growth and forward progress. I want to be mindful of the word choices I make. But I really HATE when people talk about karma. I mean, it’s a nice thought. I understand wanting to believe that bad people will have bad things come back to them at some point. And that good people will have rewards in this life or the next. But how do the people that comment on karma so often rectify good people who have bad things happen. Or average people who mess up, yet still seem to have “good luck” everywhere they turn. And who really gets to decide if someone deserves “karma?” I know that I’ve wished negative on people for stuff that I realize is selfish. Do I want to give another person the right to judge what kind of “karma” comes my way? Because I can promise that if someone deemed me worthy of bad “karma,” I could find reasons to try and convince them otherwise.  So if for now on we could all not worry so much about what is going to come of the people around us and just live to make ourselves feel ok in our own skin, I’d appreciate it. Or at least keep the “karma” off your facebook page.  

Shall we dance?

During my internship I did a short training on the different types of communication. I found it interesting to show students examples of acting passive look like, or how aggressive type people often end up causing their friends to show more passive traits. I guess that goes along with “too many cooks in the kitchen” thought that you only need one ring leader, or else things end up messy. As I continue to get farther and farther into a job which has a focus on being the leader of your own needs and path, I have begun to be more cognizant of the lesser discussed, but much more prevalent type; the passive aggressive individual.

I find it to be interesting how adults seem to be so confused about this. If I’m frustrated about something, especially when I have found myself being frustrated by many things, I may choose to discuss the issue with my peers or immediate supervisor prior to addressing it with the person I am frustrated with. I find this to help me weed out the issues worth addressing. It’s also human nature, or at least my human nature, to be uncomfortable to confront people about things I think they are doing wrong. I don’t want my friends or coworkers to get too comfortable with the idea of telling me about everything I do wrong, and I would like to not be known as the one always nagging at others. I know that some things are out of the control of anybody, which makes me feel that addressing it is only going to create a bigger rift in the relationship. But, and let’s be clear on this, when something is significant enough, I WILL address it with the appropriate persons as best as I can.

Let’s avoid emails back and forth. Let’s use names and real examples in meetings. Let’s not have separate meetings before the big meeting and then avoid the topic all together. Let’s grow up and not dance around the issues. How are we to set an example to the ones coming up behind us if we can’t find appropriate ways of addressing real life issues? It might actually force us to choose our battles, and alas, become more aware of our true flaws which need correcting.

Bucket List

I like to give my kids homework when I know I'll be seeing them again in a week or so. One of my favorite assignments is for them to come back with 3-5 things they would put on their "bucket list;" what do they want to do before they die. Every time I ask one of them to do it, I try and think of a few more to add to mine. One day I'd like to be up to 100. And then I'd like to have them all crossed off and complete.

a working list...
1. Learn to drive a stick shift.
2. Visit all 50 states... and Puerto Rico.
3. Get as many stamps in my pass port as possible. At least 20
4. Skydive.
5. Buy a house.
6. Donate a large amount of money to a good cause
7. See a Broadway show.
8. Fall in love.
9. Be famous in some (good) way.
10. Have my own dog.

another day, another dollar

Is it too cynical to just say that boys stink? I don’t know that I really believe it, but it sure seems to want to prove this to me lately. Once upon a time I swore that the next time a guy warned me from being with him (in any way), I would heed his warning and be gone. Ha, so much for that. I also have told myself on more than a million occasions how much more I deserve than what I get. I don’t need a well-meaning friend to remind me that I’m worthy and desirable. But then the nights come around and the guy who I should have walked away from a long time ago calls and wants to see me. Or the days are getting longer and busier with work and chores and I make the mistake of starting up a chat with a “dead end” as I so lovingly refer to whomever I’m chatting with that day. It’s just so much easier said than done.  And it doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to figure it out. I want to feel wanted. I will sacrifice my sanity and my ego and my self-worth if it means a few hours/minutes/days of feeling wanted.  And when it comes down to it, I know I have no one to blame by myself. I’m a firm believer that you teach others how to treat you; so why would I teach anyone to talk down to me and treat me like second fiddle? Then I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen. For being second best. For not sticking to my own resolve and be more important than second best.

I can’t help but go back to my childlike brain and have the “One day it will be my turn” thought. One day I’ll find someone who won’t be emotionally unavailable for me. Who I’ll get to be myself around and not feel like I have to provide him with something in order to keep the relationship going. I’ll find my partner and I’ll get to hear someone say that he can’t imagine his life without me in it.

i just hope it isnt too late…