Is it too cynical to just say that boys stink? I don’t know that I really believe it, but it sure seems to want to prove this to me lately. Once upon a time I swore that the next time a guy warned me from being with him (in any way), I would heed his warning and be gone. Ha, so much for that. I also have told myself on more than a million occasions how much more I deserve than what I get. I don’t need a well-meaning friend to remind me that I’m worthy and desirable. But then the nights come around and the guy who I should have walked away from a long time ago calls and wants to see me. Or the days are getting longer and busier with work and chores and I make the mistake of starting up a chat with a “dead end” as I so lovingly refer to whomever I’m chatting with that day. It’s just so much easier said than done. And it doesn’t take a psychoanalyst to figure it out. I want to feel wanted. I will sacrifice my sanity and my ego and my self-worth if it means a few hours/minutes/days of feeling wanted. And when it comes down to it, I know I have no one to blame by myself. I’m a firm believer that you teach others how to treat you; so why would I teach anyone to talk down to me and treat me like second fiddle? Then I get mad at myself for allowing it to happen. For being second best. For not sticking to my own resolve and be more important than second best.
I can’t help but go back to my childlike brain and have the “One day it will be my turn” thought. One day I’ll find someone who won’t be emotionally unavailable for me. Who I’ll get to be myself around and not feel like I have to provide him with something in order to keep the relationship going. I’ll find my partner and I’ll get to hear someone say that he can’t imagine his life without me in it.
i just hope it isnt too late…
