Ugh

Anxiety is a bitch. I can't really recall when I started noticing that I sometimes feel anxious, wait, that may not be entirely true. I do remember my second semester of freshman year in college having a short lived panic attack about money and planning for housing the following year. But now the anxiety isn't a worry, its a feeling. Its physical. Its emotional. And it sucks. I can take deep breaths and chug a bottle of water because sometimes that helps. I can walk around or go to the gym because for me anxiety feels like a lot of built up energy that needs to be burned off. But that doesn't alleviate it. The most frustrating part of it, at least what is going on today, is that I can think of one pretty quick way for it to go away. But I don't have control over that. Which is probably part of the reason for the pain of it. Without making it worse, I don't know how I can try to make it better. I feel like I'm constantly praying to God to give me strength, clarity, patience, help, support, comfort, that one specific request. But none of those come. Which increases my frustration. I spiral from frustration to almost hysteria. Its remnicent of the bad days from the Ex. Crying and sobbing and maybe an occasion scream out loud. Its stuck in the back of my throat and tears are just waiting to spill. I don't know what to do...

Heart ache

It dawned on me tonight that it would be more than difficult for me to seek out counseling services for myself since the area that I live in is very small and has limited resources and I'm in the field. I came to this conclusion while going through in my mind the same thing that pretty much always comes up when I'm alone. The fact that I'm alone. A lot. And lonely a lot too.

I've tried to analyze myself. My past choices in men/boys. The patterns. The reasons. The motivations and the pay offs. The problems. The searches. The limits my environment and my personality place on me. I've listened to feedback from friends, family, and relative strangers. I've asked some difficult questions to people who I know will, and do, give me honest answers. The best I've uncovered so far is that where I live is completely noncondusive and if I were to weigh less I might have better odds.

Thing is, dissecting it is all well and good, but it doesn't make me any less lonely. I have moments of pure ache in my chest and every time I breath my eyes spill tears that won't be held back. It hurts my heart and soul to know that in spite of all the well wishers and friendly stories, no one really can be sure that my whole life won't be spent alone. Alone and searching. I don't even understand how to not search, otherwise that would at least be a change of pace in this dark and difficult hallway. The what if  I don't find "the one" question seems to be looming larger and larger each time I see my brother and sister with their respective others. And my happily paired up friends tell me about planning for another child or another move or a new house or another marker of their adulthood and progression in life. While I just search and wait and try not to cry every single time I feel rejected. Because I'd be in tears too often to do anything else.