Heart ache

It dawned on me tonight that it would be more than difficult for me to seek out counseling services for myself since the area that I live in is very small and has limited resources and I'm in the field. I came to this conclusion while going through in my mind the same thing that pretty much always comes up when I'm alone. The fact that I'm alone. A lot. And lonely a lot too.

I've tried to analyze myself. My past choices in men/boys. The patterns. The reasons. The motivations and the pay offs. The problems. The searches. The limits my environment and my personality place on me. I've listened to feedback from friends, family, and relative strangers. I've asked some difficult questions to people who I know will, and do, give me honest answers. The best I've uncovered so far is that where I live is completely noncondusive and if I were to weigh less I might have better odds.

Thing is, dissecting it is all well and good, but it doesn't make me any less lonely. I have moments of pure ache in my chest and every time I breath my eyes spill tears that won't be held back. It hurts my heart and soul to know that in spite of all the well wishers and friendly stories, no one really can be sure that my whole life won't be spent alone. Alone and searching. I don't even understand how to not search, otherwise that would at least be a change of pace in this dark and difficult hallway. The what if  I don't find "the one" question seems to be looming larger and larger each time I see my brother and sister with their respective others. And my happily paired up friends tell me about planning for another child or another move or a new house or another marker of their adulthood and progression in life. While I just search and wait and try not to cry every single time I feel rejected. Because I'd be in tears too often to do anything else.